My life was not really a life it was an existence. All I did was work, eat and sleep and I woke up every day being afraid, afraid of of living and afraid of being me.
I have always been very theatrical as I have pretended to be other people as being other people meant I did not have to be me.
I did not like who I was and I did not like my life so being my favourite celebrity gave me so much comfort in a very unhappy body.
But it was in no way healthy. My life was boring and run by a routine that I was sick to the back teeth of and I was extremely unhappy.
I wanted to have fun and I wanted to have friends and I wanted to go places and go away on holidays and I wanted to know what it was like to be in love and to experience sex and have a laugh and to see the lighter side of life.
But what so many people found easy to do, I found extremely difficult and I would say impossible.
I needed to find a way of having life experience and to feel good about myself without actually doing it in real life.