The gift

'THE GIFT is the best book you'll give yourself all year.

Don't waste it on anyone else -- they don't deserve it.' Will Self Philip has a lot on his mind.

At home, in his unnecessarily large, excessively expensive house in south London, he is attempting to become a Taoist master of love with his wife Alice, but his quest is forever being interrupted by the requests of his twin daughters: Can we have a pony -- please?

I want to go to boarding school -- please? At work, in his shed/office at the bottom of the garden, between countless games of Minesweep and FreeCell, Philip is trying to pay the mortgage by writing instruction manuals for Korean bread-making machines. And, at parties where he is concerned that he is not taken seriously (he has been variously mistaken as a doctor/waiter and sinologist) Philip tells the world he is a scriptwriter, even though all he has managed to pen is a story he calls Wang the Unlucky Scholar.

But, above all, Philip is worrying about his best friends Sean and Barry.

The problem is simple: they give great presents. Their gifts are exquisite: a full set of Italian crockery, a handmade corkscrew from Venice.

They give them indiscriminately: on birthdays