Instructions for the British people during the emergency

'Funny, despite bloody everything' - Charlie BrookerAn indispensable handbook to see the nation through lockdown, breakdown and meltdown.

As Britain enters a period of tremendous upheaval, your government has requested that everyone immediately undertake a series of life-style changes that may test the nation's resolve. Most of it is simple common-sense, but common-sense may be new to you, especially if you are young, wistful or an imbecile. Indeed, it should be noted that much of what is to come in the weeks and months (and months) ahead will be new to us all.

But let us remember that, not so long ago, the same was true of pesto. We must not lose heart. With stoicism, courage and a substantial supply of alcoholic fortification, we will pull through this together and emerge from it a stronger (or weaker but more experienced) nation. Sir Clement Apricot-Wilson,Permanent SecretaryThe Department of Unforeseen Circumstances