Everyone dead by teatime : a rational, level-headed guide to the end of the world from the Daily Mash

A caustic, hilarious guide to the year's events, seen through the eyes of the UK's most popular satire website, The Daily Mash. This new annual collection, following last year's successful title Halfwit Nation, includes: BANKS TO LEND YOU YOUR OWN MONEYThe government is to invest GBP500bn of your money in British banks so they can lend it back to you with interest.

The historic move is being hailed as a lifeline for the financial system as long as nobody asks too many questions... HUDSON CRASH LANDING STILL BETTER THAN HEATHROWPassengers on the plane which crash landed on the Hudson river last night insisted the terrifying experience was much better than Heathrow.

As the stricken US Airways jet drifted over the skyscrapers of Manhattan before ditching in the freezing water, dozens of frightened passengers thanked God they were not arriving in London. BROWN REFUSES TO HAND BACK PENSIONGordon Brown last night dismissed calls to surrender his GBP123,000 a year pension when he is forced to stop being prime minister next June.

Mr Brown was defiant in the face of City outrage despite the UK government's annual operating loss of GBP100bn, rising to GBP1.5 trillion when the write-down of its banking assets is taken into account. Everyone Dead By Teatime is a treasury of twisted news, comic features, worthless opinion polls and celebrity diaries... PRAISE FOR HALFWIT NATION:"Give this book as a Christmas present and you'll look immeasurably wittier as a result.

Five stars"News of the World