GREAT GOAL GORGEOUS LEGS

"Footie's on telly tonight" - the words every girl hates to hear!

With this title, the game of two halves becomes the game of a hundred laughs.

Here are some of the 101 tips to turn a dreaded evening into a night to remember: award marks to the players according to the shapeliness of their legs, and make unfavourable comparisons with your boyfriend's matchsticks; see if you can lip-read the players' swear words as they are booked by the referee; decide which of the managers is wearing the most ill-fitting suit; count the number of times the commentator says "to be fair"; award marks to the players for their over-acting after being fouled; look out for the most obscene gesture made by a fan behind a goal; count how many seconds the director can hold the shot of a player's supermodel girlfriend in the crowd before he has to return to the match; and watch every man in the pub wince at the replay of a player getting hit in the groin by the football.