The Works of Edgar Allan Poe : Volume 4

I am-that is to say I was-a great man; but I am neither the author of Junius nor the man in themask; for my name, I believe, is Robert Jones, and I was born somewhere in the city of Fum-Fudge.The first action of my life was the taking hold of my nose with both hands.

My mother saw thisand called me a genius-my father wept for joy and presented me with a treatise on Nosology.

ThisI mastered before I was breeched.I now began to feel my way in the science, and soon came to understand that, provided a manhad a nose sufficiently conspicuous, he might, by merely following it, arrive at a Lionship.

But myattention was not confined to theories alone. Every morning I gave my proboscis a couple of pullsand swallowed a half dozen of drams.When I came of age my father asked me, one day, if I would step with him into his study."My son," said he, when we were seated, "what is the chief end of your existence?""My father," I answered, "it is the study of Nosology.""And what, Robert," he inquired, "is Nosology?""Sir," I said, "it is the science of Noses.""And can you tell me," he demanded, "what is the meaning of a nose?""A nose, my father;" I replied, greatly softened, "has been variously defined by about a thousanddifferent authors." [Here I pulled out my watch.] "It is now noon or thereabouts-we shall havetime enough to get through with them all before midnight.

To commence then:-The nose,according to Bartholinus, is that protuberance-that bump-that excrescence-that-""Will do, Robert," interrupted the good old gentleman. "I am thunderstruck at the extent of yourinformation-I am positively-upon my soul." [Here he closed his eyes and placed his hand uponhis heart.] "Come here!" [Here he took me by the arm.] "Your education may now be considered asfinished-it is high time you should scuffle for yourself-and you cannot do a better thing thanmerely follow your nose-so-so-so-" [Here he kicked me downstairs and out of the door.]-"so get out of my house, and God bless you!"As I felt within me the divine afflatus, I considered this accident rather fortunate than otherwise.

Iresolved to be guided by the paternal advice. I determined to follow my nose. I gave it a pull or twoupon the spot, and wrote a pamphlet on Nosology forthwith.