The gaffta awards : from Becks to Big Ron - celebrating the wonderful world of football-speak

The Gaffta Awards is a book about football's most enduring characters.

You know who we mean - the game's talking heads, the selfless men who entertain us as royally from behind the microphone as their more athletic comrades do on the pitch.

Despite all the media attention football receives, no one has seen fit to devise an awards system for the verbal geniuses of the modern game.

Until now. This is the definitive study of 'guff', our umbrella term for all the gaffes, faux pas and general foolishness so prevalent in football today.

Thrill as Uncle Bobby Robson, King Kev and Gordon Strachan battle it out for the Best Gaffer gong.

While you're at it, cleanse your soul by taking a lesson or two from the Word of Hod.

In the Best Commentator category, sheepskin statto Motty challenges for glory against Beeb stablemate Barry Davies, as well as ITV big-hitters Clive Tyldesley (Manchester United's number one fan) and the sadly departed Brian Moore.

Despite his fall from grace, Big Ron's sterling work developing Ronglish - the long-acknowledged official language of the commentary box - sees him in with a real chance in the Best Supporting Commentator category. That said, excitable newcomer Chris Kamara will shout him down all the way to the awards podium.

Players, too, are recognised at the Gafftas. All the usual suspects are in with a chance, including belching Gazza, preening Beckham, rotund Maradona and miserable Merson.

Less predictably, perhaps, we offer an impressive showcase of unintentional humour from Alan 'Mary Poppins' Shearer.

Anchors, pundits, foreign stars and the radio boys all have their own awards, while we also identify football's answer to Sid James in our 'Ooh, Matron' category.

Of course, it's not all about the winning. From Lawro to Rodney Marsh, from Des Lynam to Ian Holloway, The Gaffta Awards profiles dozens of football's richest sources of natural gas and features hundreds of the funniest quotes and blunders.