Malise, the Witch of Clatteringshaws lives in a disused Ladies Convenience at the end of a coach park in Caledonia overlooking Loch Grieve (inhabited by Hobyahs and a monster).

In the prologue to the story, Malise discovers a newborn infant in the rubbish bin in the coach park.

Down in London Simon Battersea has inherited the throne of England and although accompanied by his friend Dido he is not happy with his lot.

On hearing of other possible claimants to the throne and that the Witch may be able to help her, Dido departs to Scotland to follow the clues.

Meanwhile England is invaded by the Saxon Wends and Simon also goes northwards with his army; all participants being reluctant to fight, the situation is resolved by a game of Hnefatefl between Simon and the Wendish leader (Simon wins).

Everyone meets up in Clatteringshaws. Dido is successful in her hunt for a legitimate heir - Piers Crackenthorpe (the 'Woodlouse' thought to be drowned in the moat of Fogrum Hall in Midwinter Nightingale) and Simon hands over the realm with relief.

Simon and Dido are free to live their own lives as they wish.